Has anyone felt their heart is broken? Has anyone heard themselves cry in the woes of their worries and sorrows? Does God feel like he is farthest from you now?

Psalm 34:18

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

God is near to the broken hearted. God is so near.

In this time when you think all is shot; all is sad; all is terrible. In this time when your spirit is broken God is not far off. He is near.

I may not be broken hearted today, or broken in spirit. But I can definitely hear what is being said. How many days did I find myself weeping in the brokenness of my spirit with the realization of how far I was from everyone and everything that I took comfort or worth or even meaning from. In every one of those days I was broken hearted. I was just broken.

Everyday was a struggle. Everyday was something that was harder to deal with than the time before. A new struggle rose everyday. Every week was no different than the week before. Just a mental struggle to get through to Sunday. Another week, another notch on the count down’ til I would finally leave that place. Such a blessed place it was too.

I won’t try to cover up what it was really like. It was beautiful. It was life changing. It was so good for me. But they were not easy times. But as far as I was from everything, God was very near.

South Africa is ready for something different. Victory Outreach International has got it. And that’s what God gave the ministry of Victory Outreach. “something different”. A ministry to the great, self-inflicted epidemic of our time: Drug addiction. The people I met are in fact hungry for change. People are tired of this garbage to be honest. Just like I’m tired of it, and in that place it looks like it’s still possible to do something about it. Again, God is near to the brokenhearted and crushed in spirit. I saw it with my own eyes.

I actually suggest, that if you can, you take a trip out there.

In me was born an attitude to withstand the strongest willed people. To speak with dignity and authority. In me was stripped off that bar which I would cling to in order to keep myself from getting lost in the presence of God. So far, yet so near.

I experienced the hand of God providing for every single one of my needs and even treating me to some very cool adventures. Again, providing financially and socially the right connections to make it.

Was anyone aware that I made friends with a lawyer out there? Cause I did. He was like my culture buddy. Only he would school me in checkers and playing “hot” licks on the guitar. How did this happen? The man seriously took note of me. He’s on 3 Barack Street. In the Benzai Building. It’s in the CBD if anyone feels like going down there sometime. And then there was Jason his assistant, that guy was smart.

If there was a deep revelation I learned, that many would consider “deep”, it had nothing to do with the helping people; though I am sure I will be able to help people more often now that I know this.

Because of the fact that God knows me infinitely better than I know myself I can only conclude that God also knows what I like and what will satisfy me in this life better than I do. I can be sure that God, King of the Universe, knows much more than I do what I will be pleased with in this life; He knows what kind of work to put me into and how to get me there.

I thought, you think, that we know what we want. But that’s wrong. We don’t always seriously know what we want. But God does. And that’s what my big revelation is.

I am going to trust God with my life. I am going to trust that I will be led in green pastures, sometimes valleys with shadows that remind me of death, that he will take me through paths of justice. I am going to trust that through everything I am going to be ridiculously satisfied because of his hand in my life. That even in times where my enemies are very near to me my God will prepare a table before me and in front of their faces. They will watch me rejoice in the salvation of the Lord even as the world falls apart around me. I will trust that every challenge I am faced with will only be means by which God means to grow and to take me to higher heights. I have to believe that.

The Righteous will live by faith (Habbukuk 2:4)

I have a promise from God that He will satisfy me in this life. I have a promise that my delight in Him is the be all and end all of this life (Psalm 37:4). And that making God the “be all and end all of my life” will result in a higher quality of life – that’s the bonus, but it’s also the natural out come of making God the center and meaning of life.

It isn’t just mine to take hold of though. That’s just what the attrition God put me through produced.

I am in the grace, providence, and perfect will of God. I can only be grateful. I did not know that I would receive such a jewel in my time of in South Africa.

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It has been difficult in the past years to not feel that I was tired of working ministry. In large part because I felt that it never paid enough for the amount of stress that one goes through in doing it. But I have noticed that those that volunteer their time have a greater sense of satisfaction in ministry than I do. I often think that that’s what I want. To simply work and do ministry on the side; as opposed to ministry all the time. But this is deeper than just having a regular job and doing ministry in spare time.

When I say “ministry”, I mean that work which is done in church. Whether it be being a part of the Praise and Worship Team, or perhaps teaching Sunday School for children, or getting involved in the local outreach team that goes out nearly every day of the week! Ministry, when I use it in this context, is the work pertaining to church life.

For me, Music has been my great work that I thought would glorify God and bring people to him.

When I first started I was a regular ol’ chap/bloke/guy/person just happy to be alive and well. Volunteering at church, even though I was young then, and even having a strong commitment there, was something I enjoyed so much! Nothing in the world compared to being on that piano and totally being lost in worshipping God.

I was not only doing this for myself however, I had a genuine love and motive to serve God. I did nothing out of vain conceit or propaganda to make myself look good in the eyes of others. I served God to serve God; not to serve Victory Outreach or impress any person. Simply to serve God. In this manner, doing God’s work was no work at all for me, simply my love being expressed to him.

GOD’S WORK.
The precious work of God that we get to come hand in hand with God to work in. For me, getting to help in the process of people surrendering their lives for full devotion to God. Which, by the way, does not always mean being in a foreign country.

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Go for it! Lay it on me Jesus!

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“HOW FOOLISH CAN YOU BE?[!] After starting your Christian lives in the Spirit, why are you now trying to become perfect by your own human efforts? ” Galatians 3:3 (NLT)

In context, the scriptures are saying that adhering to Jewish laws and customs is not what makes a person right with God. It is saying that trying to please God by pleasing people really isn’t pleasing God at all.

I can be pretty foolish. And a lot has changed since those years of young, innocent faith.

In my time here in South Africa I recognize more and more, through my times of seeking God through fasting and prayer and reading the scriptures, that I have had ulterior motives in coming here. I tried to convince myself that I was doing this for God… but I haven’t been. I have sought to please man, and not God – in fact, I’m pretty sure that since I finished college this has been my motive to work in church. Working in church has been about proving myself to Dad, or about proving to God that I’m not as worthless as I feel sometimes. A struggle that has held me in darkness for too long now. I have not served God for a long time. I have served a type of “law”, a system that is directly associated with God, but is not necessarily the way to gain the approval of God.

But that isn’t the end of the story.

In one scripture I was told everything I needed to know: That I needed to stop serving man and even the ministry I’m involved in. (And yes, I said that right). But in the same scripture I am told told that there is a way that I can not only be made right with God, but that I can serve God the right way too!

I am told that I can return to that state of bliss that is serving God for serving God. I am told, and with great authority, that a great extent of my discomfort in ministry is solely because I haven’t sought to give God glory, only to serve and impress the human being. I am told that if I try to serve the ministry and impress men… I will die.

Again, ministry by itself and working for people… is a thing which will bring us all to death. Just as “The Law” only brought death and condemnation to those trying so desperately to be made right with God.

But! I can be made right with God in this situation.

First, I ask for forgiveness. Then I allow God to change my perspective. And then, serve God to serve God. It’s really not that complicated. O. Except for pride and issues similar to that. O! And also the issue of massive failure in the past… and so on and so forth… sooo… I’m just gonna go do that now. The serving God to serve God part. This is what I’ve been searching for when it comes to satisfaction in life.

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I read the whole letter to the Galatians just to make sure I wasn’t saying anything “off the handle”. I have been seeking God for direction in the coming months. So this is good for me to hear from him.

I’m not the only one writing about this either. Check out our friend “PDROBBERS” who has also struggled with and even come up with an interesting checklist of symptoms to discovering the reason for “Misery in Ministry“.

This was the home. Notice the beach ball. The whole place looked like that.

Not to mention that as I walked to the church on this night, I saw from afar as they covered the entrance with palm leaves and other decorations designed to make the place feel more… tropical I guess. But all I could keep thinking was that they were going to bust out a bucket of Lambs blood, grab a few hyssop branches and start covering the door ways. I told them that… but I don’t think they understood that I was alluding to the last night that the Israelites were in Egypt as the angel of death passed through the land…

Jesus… fulfill us.
You’re the only who can.

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This week the church had their Recovery Homes their Christmas Service. It was nothing short of Beautiful. Also, remember it’s just getting into summer here. It’s not a normal Christmas time for me.

This was the table I sat at.

Good thing Father Christmas was there.

This is one of the Families of the residents in the Recovery Homes

That's me and Carl! *shakes head* I mean, Father Christmas!

The Recovery Homes Choir getting ready to sing!

They normally cause a little havoc. Such a great picture to pass up.

That's Pastor Robert, Charles, Joes and Sister Chika. MISSIONARIES UNITE!

This was a shot from the back of the building... it was really quite lively.

There is not another time except with my own family where I have felt such warmth from every person there. The room was set up with tables everywhere. Each one was decorated differently, there was even a competition for who had the most finely decorated table. I was even invited to sit at one of these tables. It was very nice. This time, it wasn’t the food that made me feel so welcome. For the first time, I felt not only accepted in this place – and I don’t just mean by the locals – but also loved.

I tend to be very protective of myself, and of who I allow to come into my life. With good cause right? So often my suffering comes not from physical pain or even lack of any physical thing. The one thing that I do lack is that physical presence of someone actually wanting to be near me. So even in my depending on God, even in my complete satisfaction in Christ… I still long for the affection of human beings. I especially miss my fiancée Loreena.

Those that think that they are able to love God, and just be off and alone and separated from the Body of Christ are crazy. Even those people that are loners and don’t care for God or church or anything need some sort of community to belong to – or even better – to have a sense of belonging. This is a subject that has been reiterated already since everyone of us first experienced some type of rejection. Usually it’s the child that says, “NO!”, or “go away, you’re ugly”. I don’t remember my first rejection, but I do for a fact know that I have experienced many.

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Now then, I have thought about what to blog this week. And please excuse me if you always read expecting to get some sort of glimpse into what life is like over here. Or if you expect to hear about how the church is doing and such. Though I am in the church and part of helping it grow here, I feel that writing this blog from the beginning was more about what I was hoping God would do in me. Very Personal. Very selfish if you want to think of it that way, but regardless, it’s an experience that has been a healing process for the most part. It’s kind of like saying goodbye to the old me – to the past hurts – to those experiences which were not my favorite… All wrapped into this one blog.

The dreams however are extra.

For instance just the other night I dreamed it was the end of the world. And at this particular end of the world there were cows falling/rolling out of the sky with little sparkles all around them. Like falling stars. I was with Loreena. Everyone left us out of some sort of anger, and the flood banks were ready to break. Then the cows started falling out of the sky.

Or what about those dreams that I’ve had a couple times now – the ones where I’m confused as to what side of the road to drive on? Because I’ve had two now.

In one, I had to drive the car, and I just drove (on the side of the “British” Road) and suddenly a wave going through the pavement about ten feet, I’m sorry, 4 meters high, launched the car I was driving into the air. I survived the entire crash because I some how ended up outside of the car and I managed to stand up on it kind of like surfing, then I jumped off.

In the other I was awarded a race car. It was a frame. It looked a lot like the formula 1 racers, but just the frame. And for most of the dream… I honestly couldn’t remember what side of the road I was supposed to drive on.

But the driving dreams I attribute mostly to some of the stressful situations I sometimes find myself in. Either way. At the moment, that’s not what I’m trying to talk about.

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Most of the time sitting in church, I feel so lost. I feel like I don’t belong there. I feel like I’m wasting precious little time left on this planet. Like it’s all going to end soon. I’m so opposite from what everyone else’s thoughts are here. I’m thinking more of spending time with my family. I’m thinking of telling people I love them. I’m not worried about the souls that are lost out there. I’m not burdened to let them know about Jesus.

The times that I find myself being burdened, it’s not for those that are lost and bound on drugs, it’s for those who have strayed away from following and being in Love with God. Because that’s why Jesus came. He came so that those who were lost could be reconciled to the Father of all. I’m sure that even those of you who have never touched a Bible have heard the story of the Prodigal son (Luke 15:11-31)… that story still, to this day!, brings tears to my eyes and tenderness to my heart. It makes me forget about the faults inside me, the faults of others against me… I remember that all I really want is for God, my father, to take me in His arms, and simply allow every fault to melt away…

2 Corintians 5:18
“And all of this is a gift from God, who brought us back to himself through Christ… For God was in Christ, reconciling the world to himself, no longer counting people’s sins against them. And he Gave us this wonderful message of reconciliation… For God made Christ, who never sinned, to be the offering for our sin, so that we could be made right with God through Christ.”

It’s so plain. To me anyway. My heart pains for those who have strayed from their relationship with God. Those that knew God. Those that were once enamored with the presence of God. Those that experienced God in a way that only they could know it was God.

I remember my friend Joe (Joe Woolwine) once told me about how he came to believe in God. And I say how he came to believe in God because he was an outright atheist who thought people like me were plain out stupid. He said that when he came to church and sat there during the worship service that he felt something. In his amazement he became excited and started shouting, “GOD IS HERE!”, excited looking around, holding on to someone, looking them in the eye, “GOD IS F***ING HERE!!!”. Experiencing God is really like that though. How else could he express what he was feeling in that moment? He heard the voice of God calling him back to him and it filled Joe with joy.

Some of you are out there right now. And you are wondering why everything sucks. Some of you hate everything you’ve acquired. Some of you are wondering why even the love of your spouse or your lover is not satisfying enough. Some of you are wondering why even though life seems to be so good it is all at the same time so dull. For those of you who once spent time with God and getting to know him. I pray you, come back to him.

This is not an end of the world message. This is not a “you better do it before you die and go to hell” invitation. This is the heart of God. He came to reach those who were lost to him. And some of you feel that tug on your heart even right now. This is not the classic “fire insurance”. Whether heaven or hell… at the moment doesn’t matter. The fact of the matter is that we are invited to have a relationship with God right now, right at this moment.

Just ask God to come into your life. Welcome him as he so longs for you to do.

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One more thought.

This week I found myself in the presence of a couple of people who have not strayed from church. They were young. One, the one I knew a little better, was named Robin, and the other was Heinrich. They came, Heinrich sat, Robin stood, I sat. They were taking a stroll around the neighborhood where the church is at and found themselves suddenly with me. We spoke.

Robin kept talking about how all he cares about is going to heaven. This is where I get very sour with people and their purpose for being Christian.

It is so sad that many people out there only care about what God offers them. With some it’s just “fire insurance”. With others it’s the “blessings” that they are searching for. But they miss, seriously, the most beautiful part of being a Christian. And that is to have an actual, factual, real life, active relationship with God.

The joy of serving God is now. We can take comfort in what is to come, but we have the opportunity now! as sinful, broken, imperfect human beings! Again, the message of Christmas. “God and sinner reconciled!”

Some of you out there need to grab on to your relationship with God and never let go. Who cares about heaven? Who cares about the physical blessings many of you are looking for?! God is God all by himself, and the opportunity to know Him is what this life is about. Heaven is bonus. Relationship with God is the part that will satisfy you.

Robin actually has a struggle with knowing the will of God in his life. He’s got the same thing many of us do. We want to serve God, but at the same time we are filled with every kind of fear that anything else we do, like work, play and marriage, is somehow against the will of God. They think that they have to work in church always doing ministry. This is not true at all. Don’t be deceived.

My advice for him was the same I found for myself. (I found it – it wasn’t my original idea). That while I’m not doing anything, I might as well serve God fully. That until I do find some sort of purpose, that I/He should simply dedicate themselves to God. That is, volunteering in church and working towards building it. I believe God is faithful to the point of getting you ready for what life has in store, and even rewarding you for your work. Even if that only means attending church for a little while, even if you don’t know why you’re going. I told him that God had something for him. And he does. And for YOU too. And it’s infinitely better than a CrackerJack™ surprise — God is not a fortune cookie.
Once again, God is worth knowing now – not in the future, but right now. Not when your life is falling apart… but now.

I know I’m not talking to everyone. I know that only some will hear this and receive it. I know that to some of you I am a complete fool. But someone, somewhere needed to read this.

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SWEETER ALL THE TIME

Don’t worry, this all gets easier.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading and listening to music. Music just has that way of influencing what you think, and in this case I am grateful that there are people out there who are most excellent at writing lyrics and communicating emotion and experience with just a sounds from instruments.

I can say that I’m not afraid because I have learned what it is that heaven will be like and is like.

Some of you know how terribly I avoided the subject before. Some of you even know that as a child I would sit awake at night scared because I could not comprehend what Eternity is like. I’d become almost short of breath because of it. Very similar to what anxiety or panic attacks are. But something new has happened. I have experienced a peace like I have NEVER experienced in my life before. And because of this peace I am convinced that Heaven is going to feel like that constantly.

I wish I was so amazing with words that I could describe this feeling to you and perhaps even induce a little of what it feels like to have this peace within you. But honestly, no words can describe the perfection I felt when I allowed God to fill me with His perfect tranquil. I’ve never been high, so I don’t know if it’s better than drugs; I’ve been very buzzed before, but this is better than that. It’s like being completely calm and being able to see everything that’s coming and only seeing good things ahead. Or perhaps that feeling when you come and lay down from a long day, everything was accomplished that you set out to do that one day. Rest.

I’m convinced that that’s what Heaven is going to be like. Because i have not felt that peace anywhere but in God.

My idea of an amazing life was, and still is to be honest, to have a farm where I actually grew produce and even animals for eating. And I’m not that big of a fan for meat – though I will admit that I really like chicken, and that really thick bacon that’s usually expensive and only comes on the burgers that cost a hefty $7 and up. Quiet. Occasional wolf eating a lamb, or having to ward off a lion of some sort… but nothing outside of the ordinary life of a care taker/gardener/gaurdian/custodian.

My idea of an amazing life was to live on this farm with a few children running around and being happily married to the woman God prepared for me. Simple. Live there until the day I died. Enjoying and taking care of all that God has given me.

Sounds nice right? Sounds like I’ve got plenty of purpose: To live a full and happy life – full of every provision made possible by God. “Live off the fat of the land” as was written in Of Mice and Men when Gary Senise is about shoot John Malkovich in the back of the head. Such a perfect picture… Nothing short of peace. Nothing short of fullness. Nothing short of satisfaction.

Satisfaction.

You gotta say that word with emphasis on the second s, and a slight stop just before the second t but still pronouncing it, and then starting the t sound again only with a slight elongation of the ‘shun’ sound. Say it again and it becomes: Satissfact-tion.

———¡WAKE UP!———

Those times… the peaceful times of perfect stillness and peace in the world is over. There were other times in the history of the world that awaited an awakening/saving of sorts… other times when everything seemed that it was simply going to begin to melt and be destroyed… but this time seems so much more chaotic than ever before. The entire world is in upheaval.

Like being in a really bad sleep.

Tossing and turning. Constantly waking up because of the mosquito bites. Little bumps that affect you in such a big way! Frustrated at every effort to calm itself. Exasperated without an outlet, holding in every sin committed against the very earth itself. We have been born in a time so wrought with every corruption possible it’s disgusting. I’m not just talking about the sexual revolution which has rocked this world with STD’s either. I’m talking about the advent of modern warfare, or the ability to control millions with a simple substance that is not naturally occurring in nature, or the fact that organized crime is not so much at an all time high as it is glorified in our world.

A place where humanity and it’s ideas are no longer ruled by intelligence but by stupidty – which I can say with confidence because of the amount of importance and time given to the industry of entertainment. Not just in America, now that I’m really seeing the big picture, however America has been the example… sadly.

For instance, you may not have known this, but the gangsters in Cape Town worship the gangsters of the states. They watch the movies, inhale the music and exhale their acts. Training themselves, as one of the people here told me, to kill and to steal and to simply gain everything they can for themselves. It’s a sad, sad world full of strife because everyone thinks it’s the normal. And we can even blame it on a lack of education… but if it’s a lack of education, then it is the leaders of our world who have lacked in education. Seriously, something is wrong when more money is spent on pornography than is used to help those hungry and in need.

Grief is commonplace in my heart when it comes to thinking of how things really are.

Grief strikes me, and despair grips me when I think on how the world is truly wounded, damaged, hurt, abused; and even abandoned it seems like. I don’t hate being “preachy”, and I know that some people are very turned off by it, but how else will I plainly say what I am convinced must be pointed out?!

I found something that no human could ever do for me. Not even a significant other. I MUST share what I’ve seen and what I have heard. I can’t live my mouth shut in a world where there are gaping wounds plain to see, still stinging, still moist, still forming the scab, still unstitched. Where there more fantastically bleeding souls than there are hearts and minds that have found wholeness.

For now I can leave my “happy” life behind. I know that I will have amazingly happy moments still in this life, but even if there isn’t, and even though I don’t want to, I can wait for that greater day still to come. I look forward to it. In fact I’m feeling pretty good right now. Satisfied, for some reason, that I’m not using this life only to please myself.

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“You Hold Me Now” – Hillsong United: A_CROSS // The_EARTH: Tear Down the Walls

“Beggars” – Thrice: Beggars

Songs I have recently come into contact with. Worth a listen – both albums.

Experience with God is completely attributed to spending time in prayer and meditation on the Word of God. For some reason when I read the Bible I find myself in the presence and courts of God. There is no music, there is no screaming, there is no shouting. There is stillness, and there is the peace that comes with the presence of God.

Large point of Interest: http://davidwilkersontoday.blogspot.com/

Look at the “Related Book” section. Read. Be offended. Be inspired. But read.

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Today was a very conflicting day.

December 16th in South Africa is known is the “Day of Reconciliation”. It is widely celebrated by all; though I am troubled since no one that I asked really knew what it was about – which could imply that there’s no connection with it all.

Besides all this “freedom” come to South Africa, like the ending of Apartheid, no one really knows what’s going on. No one really cares it seems like; maybe those who are older and remember what it was like, I know they care, but the young people all look like they have this sad, sad question mark constantly hanging on their faces when it comes to “where they come from”. Most of them just think back to the times as a child being surrounded by gangsters and drugs and hustling. My friend, Carl Warrin, recounted to me that as a younger person he got his legs broken because he refused to join the gang.

How dark.

It’s sad to think that an entire generation of young people are desensitized to the world that they live in. I was once desensitized, and I’m only a little better about it now, but I remember watching movies and watching people get killed on TV and in movies and thinking, “cooooool”. I also remember a period in my life where my favorite kind of movie was that which glorified the acts of thieves and thugs. But even then I knew something was completely wrong about that.

Today (yes, I said “today” again) was a very conflicting day.

There was celebration, and fun, and there was people swimming in the pool that we had gone to. IT WAS PUBLIC! and it was glorious. They had FOUR pools! Not to mention the trampoline, high and lo dive, and the barbeque area (braai). It was a pretty hip-happening place. There were people swimming, children having a grand old time chasing each other, playing soccer, people lusting after each other, smoking, hanging out, catching some UV rays, throwing each other into the pool, diving – double front flip dives, people having heart attacks, eating, drinking, merriment of all sorts! It was quite a a grand ol’ “wait a minute did he just say heart attack?!”

A man died today. Really. I’m not making this up.

First off, I’ve never seen a dead body besides the bodies that you normally see on television or at your local funeral home already embalmed and and made (make up) up for the world to see. Second of all of these numbered subjects, when it happened everyone felt the need to go and look. EVERYONE… okay, so maybe there were those few who have a little respect for those fighting for their lives and the privacy and concentration that the medics need as they are doing their work… but literally 50% of the people there were gathered around the body. There were about 800 people there to boot. (It really is a huge facility and can easily accommodate that many). Seriously, why did they feel the need to see?

Thirdly, they left the man there, after they had blocked everything off, just covered with one of those silver blankets… his feet were just sticking out… laying there. They just left him there. For everyone to see. HE WAS JUST LAYING THERE – AND HE JUST STAYED THERE FOR ABOUT ONE and a HALF HOURS!

I know this is a different country… But that’s a little inhuman.
Wanna know what else is inhuman?

The body was just laying there. Plain for everyone to see. Plain for everyone to see while they simply continued with their joyful activities. Including: eating.

Personally, I couldn’t eat after that. I lost my appetite. Everyone else? Well everyone else simply continued in their jubilation as if it was either normal or nothing happened.

I understand that life goes on. I understand that people die all the time around me and that I just continue with my normal life because if I did stop for everyone then I would never get around to doing anything. I understand that life must go on. But for those few moments couldn’t everyone stop their merriment for at least a few solemn moments?

This is why I’m sad about a generation that’s desensitized. They will never sense the need or the urgency to heal their world. Whether they believe in God or hate him, I’ve seen people who care and act with more honor, and more respect, than I saw today. I was probably one of the few who actually cared about what happened; who had the respect not to gawk at the dead man’s body. So sudden! From one instant to another he turned blue and croaked.

One person I spoke to, an middle aged woman, said that it was God’s way of showing everyone how fleeting life is. She claimed that because there were four churches there all together occupying that entire complex, that it was a sign from God that everyone should see that life is short.

Now then, it is true that life was short, whether or not it’s a sign from God I can’t say. But if indeed it was a sign of God, the worst part is that it looked like no one cared. Even if it wasn’t a sign from God it’s still something awful to see how people reacted.

I hope you all understand that I’m just shocked by what happened. Not to the point where fear came over me, just sad that no one cared (and like I said, I’ve never seen a person who just finished dying). Whether or not it was just a part of life, I believe that this life deserves a little more respect than that. I’m conflicted about it, but I’m glad that I got to experience this. It was indeed a reminder to me of how fleeting, of how short, of how much life is like a vapor – you can see it one moment, and it’s vanished the next. I don’t know how else to express the anguish I feel.

Today (yes, a third time) was a very conflicting day.

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post script:

No pictures were included in this post due to the uncouth-ness that would present.

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Today, I was in a taxi most of the day. The very last taxi decided that he would over load his car by one person. On the way out of the terminals he sees that there are traffic stops being made. He pulls over before the stop and tells one person to get out on the basis that it costs R200 for every person over the limit.

Fine, I understand, but I’m just a little annoyed.

Later on down the road He decides to pick up another person in an already full vehicle. Okay, whatever, I’ve seen this thing a million times before. And I didn’t even give it a second thought until this guy decided to pull over again and this time even pulled into an alley way to reach a parking lot in the back of a building… I must admit – I’ve heard stories…

But he plainly says that he’s trying to avoid the police again. At which point he gets out and says he’s gonna get something real quick and then he asks someone to get out again! THIS TIME I WAS JUST A LITTLE IRRITATED.

He came back and the people in the back, in Afrikaans, were making fun of him. And I was surprised that I knew what was going on. It helped that the driver was answering in english. And he keeps saying something about how people don’t understand that he can’t get another stop like that.

At this point I bursted just a little bit. I shouted. I said that he wouldn’t have to worry about the police so much if he would just stop breaking the law. I was then lauded by every person in the taxi. It was terrible. It was so ridiculous the way this guy was treating people. And everyone just kept on laughing. I felt like we were all crazy. But really! How could this guy have mind that allows him to think that it’s just okay?!

I know how judgmental I can be. But isn’t that so true? People wouldn’t have to worry about getting caught if they just stopped doing stuff they know is going to get them in trouble. And yet people do it anyway. They even have a hard time resisting it. In some circles actions that are against the law are even praised.

And everyone has participated in this.

Stuff like: Taking “orange” lights, speeding, littering, smokin’ the ghanga, drinking underage, a little five finger discount, the banned fireworks, “J” walking, downloading pirated films/music/programs, dating multiple people synonymously… you know, all the things that people are just okay with. And I’m guilty of doing things too – and mostly for fun!

For instance when I was 15 years old, I was influenced by one of my cousins to… you know… take a little sompn’ sompn’. So I did. Succesfully and without getting caught. For an entire week we raided places like Target and and Mervyn’s and Circuit City and Montgomery Wards (know some of you remember those stores), taking things like scented candles and portable CD players and other various electronic items… and clothes. Though I never stole clothes. I actually never kept anything before. I through it all away the moment I could.

One time, we walked out of target with a cart full of stuff – we just walked out. We paid for nothing. I sat for 10 minutes unwrapping a portable CD player and few batteries, and by whatever mysterious (likely evil) miracle, I was not caught. We walked out of there with a good amount of stuff. (I through it all away). I then stopped because I realized that my cousin was keeping some of it and my mom started asking questions. He claimed that his mom sent him money… but… that wasn’t likely since his mom was my mother’s sister (which would make her my aunt, hence he being my cousin) and knew the economic situation at the time. I was doing it for fun though, I didn’t want to get caught, and I didn’t want to keep any of the stuff I stole. It was all stuff I wanted… but the point was how much fun it was. But it was wrong.

Do you get what I’m trying to say?

People do stuff that is wrong, completely & utterly, just because it’s fun. The acts are praised because of the thrill that they bring.

I’ve been here for a little over 3 months now. I’ve been around. Today I traveled around Cape Town. Experiencing the people of a place always invokes my mind to go into prayer and into pondering the condition of human beings. I have determined it’s the same everywhere. That is, that sin really affects every people and culture. And when I say sin I mean that switch that every human has to go through with their actions – in particular the actions they know are either hurtful to others or to themselves. It’s a different preference every where, but mostly it’s the same. Most “sin” has to do with money, sex and drugs (in many forms including alcohol) and also greed or envy or wanting something that you don’t have. It’s the same everywhere.

Here in Cape Town though, people almost, I mean they DO, laugh when people get shot. The whole neighborhood is out there watching, not doing anything about it, when a couple youngsters or gangsters are fighting. Some commotion starts and no one is really interested in stopping it, they just want to see what’s happening. NOSEYS. Yesterday I watched little kids running around threatening a few older children that they would “blast” ‘em for not going along with them or what they were doing. Their dream is to be a gangster.

SOMEONE TELL ME THERE ISN’T SOMETHING WRONG WITH THAT! SOMEONE TELL ME TO MY FACE THAT CORRUPTION IS NOT RAMPANT!

And if you do agree with me, what are you doing to stop it?

Compassion without action is dead. It’s called calloused mind and heart strings. Some people lack those.

RENE! You are so judgmental! Chill out!

No.

No, I will not stop.

I’m not going to save the world, but I can help someone.

And you. Capable person! Will you do something?

You know what’s sickening? The fact that people embrace their corruption. The fact that an entire society at the moment are so in love with their sadness (“ZERO” Smashing Pumpkins: Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness – 1995 Virgin Records) It’s as if their depression is their culture now. (America anyone?) I can say this as the arrogant fool I’m trying to sound like because I too was in love with feeling sad. It was constant. I could always count on getting hurt. I could always count on feeling so blue I wanted to lay over and simply… die.

Many are not so hep to doing bad things. Many know that there is something wrong and it needs fixin’ immediately. Some feel trapped and want out. I know what I’m talking about when I say that Jesus is THE healer. I am not the full. I tried the philosophy of the world. The do what you want, drink it all away, or drown it in video games and entertainment of all sorts… sadness is all I found.

One time, I kid you not!, I was in a taxi and there on the side of the road were a man and woman… and they were rolling back and forth… IN BROAD DAYLIGHT. ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD! I don’t think I really need to explain what was going on.

I’ve been everywhere. And if not everywhere, then I have seen everything. And nothing is good -

Only the people that are actually trying to lend a hand without expecting to be lauded or praised for their work. It seems that they get mostly ridiculed actually.

O World, where is your purpose?
Why have you turned your back to what is truly good?

Why must I peer and see only war
and the rumors thereof?

Why must I peer into eyes and hearts
filled only with sorrow?

Where can anyone find peace that is truly peace?

________________________

I’m not gonna answer that… Yet.

________________________

See also: David Wilkerson’s Blog – Look under “Related Books”

________________________

I understand something very deep is going on here.

My friend penned it quite well when he said, “though I do not necessarily agree with your beliefs, I recognize that something profound is happening”. But it’s more than profound. It’s… Profound. Deep. It goes beyond the highest heights and the deepest abyss. It’s perfectly divine. But still…

…

Let me explain it with food. Because it’s more of a meeting up with your destiny sort of feeling. Just like when you’re hungry or craving something and you somehow find yourself in front of the most perfect meal. That thing I’ve been craving is what I am experiencing. It is the the most satisfying flavor and texture I’ve ever had.

You know those times that you want to just grab a large cheeseburger or burrito (lets go with burrito) from the local (not franchised – with the exception of “On The Border™”) Mexican food place? The beans, the melting cheese, the salsa that was freshly prepared, the way the sauce over the top of the burrito is covered with melting cheese, the guacamole, the fresh salsa, the way the first big bite tastes, the way it is simply satisfying. It could even have been poorly made yet every one of your senses completely inhibited to everything else because of the experience happening on your tongue, sliding down your throat, filling your body with such an intense satisfaction – every endorphin possible being released. Suddenly you feel a little more peaceful. And more peaceful with every bite, chew, and swallow. Every moment elating you just a little bit more.

It’s like that.
But better.

It’s like entering the flow of destiny. It’s not even likened unto it… it is it.
At the right place, at the right time, and especially with the right people.

Not only are my physical needs being met with even more than I need, but my soul is overflowing with Joy. It’s been a long time. And peace. A peace which I simply cannot explain. A peace that quells every worry I’ve had. It is beyond my understanding. But it’s exactly what I wanted but didn’t know I wanted.

You may not think it, but God can hear every prayer you have. Especially the ones that you don’t say out loud. I’m not the first to say that, but I can add by saying that God hears even the prayers that you don’t know you are making. Just thinking of this fills my heart with peace.

God can see the things you most desire. Even when you don’t know that you desire them. And He is more capable of bringing them to pass than you are.

___   ___   ___   ___   ___

Since I last wrote I have experienced something radical in me. Suddenly… my inclination is to stay and work. Not to return home. Not to return to my family. Not to long even for the comfort that friends have brought in the past.

Something incredible is happening here that I can only explain by saying “It’s going to happen – and we know it.”

Now then.

I know with all my heart that my calling in life is not missionary. I have no desire to be a missionary. In fact, I actually don’t like the idea that I have to go to another country and tell a bunch of people that they need to repent and come to Jesus – why? Because I hate the idea that they already know because their own locals have been telling them to repent and come back to God and that they won’t even “wake up” unless a foreigner comes to tell them. But I’m the same way: if someone I know tries to correct me or explain something of importance pertaining to my life I usually won’t listen unless it’s someone I don’t know at all. And that’s because I’m skeptical that a person could be using their own knowledge about me to impart a personal opinion. Usually I’m more willing to believe that it’s God trying to tell me something when it’s coming from someone who hasn’t already gotten to know me. I’m not a missionary though.

But if not a missionary, then what the heck am I doing way out here?

I’m not a missionary.
But I believe in being transplanted.

I believe that God would uproot me and plant me somewhere else. Kind of the same way seedlings and saplings are taken from a nursery and planted again in the environment most suitable for them… The environment which they were created for…

???

Any one get what I’m trying to say here?

???

And just like that, I’m not afraid. I’m not anxious. I’m not worried about tomorrow.

I’m peaceful, I’m motivated, I’m alive.

This is a life that can only come from having a relationship with God. A sort of divine breath of life into my existence. (just because you exist doesn’t mean you have life). This is the life that I always want to invite everyone into, but can never seem to find the right words or the right way not just to explain to them but also to help them experience it. There is such life that come from having a relationship with the Be all and End all of this existence that we have. It’s like the reds are more red, the air you breathe is more filling, every step you take gives you a sense of connection to the world around you, as if you are suddenly aware of everything around you. You suddenly… exist.

You suddenly have purpose. You suddenly find a reason for living.

And I still invite those who don’t know Jesus. It’s really quite easy, but sincere. God can hear whatever you got to say even right at this moment.

… … … …this is what my heart desired. This is what I wanted and didn’t even know I wanted. This is what makes me say that God sees and knows the things you most, and truly desire.

You don’t really want to find a person you can feel loved by. Having sex with that girl/guy isn’t going to make you feel complete like knowing Jesus would. Tasting that new beer won’t give you the kind of peace that the Holy Spirit brings with Him. Whatever truly pointless activity you think is going to make you feel good will leave you feeling… unsatisfied.

Like when you eat a bunch of sweets or junk food. And usually you justify it by saying your hungry. And you eat those cheeze-its™, or beef jerky, or trail mix… or apples and peanut butter, granola bars – all the while justifying it even saying it’s healthy… it’s got protein or energy or whatever you wanna call it. And you eat it… and you get full on the stuff… you even make yourself sick – but you’re still hungry.

You know that you will be hungry until you’ve actually sat down to have meal that is hot and freshly prepared. And it’s even better when you sit down with your friends or family to enjoy.

Every other activity you do is only junk food (which we americans know plenty about) compared to having a meal that fills and sustains us. Junk food compared to knowing and experiencing the living God.

_________________________

I now live in my own room in an american styled house just down the street from where the church meets. This is a great praise to God. And I ride the taxi more often, which is always fun (for some reason) for me. I also have recently fallen in love with guavas and something called “danya chutney” – which is very similar to mexican salsa… but with sugar! Pies are a convenience food which I overlooked when I first got here but now enjoy very much. Spar-letta™, made by Coca-Cola™ this side, is my favorite soda ever; the flavors are sooooooo rich, and they have exotic ones like Granadilla!

It looks like I’ll be going to table mountain next week. Going on a great white shark cage dive has been getting tossed around in my mind. Advanced driving school is looking tempting. Our Christmas tree was set up this week – it’s a a douglas fir. Artificial but beautiful. And Christmas in the summer is really just incredibly strange. I’m not going through head trips or anything like that… but what happened the “jack frost nipping at your nose”? Honestly! Christmas without the abominable snow man barring his teeth a Rudolph?

And I’m here. Watching, waiting, working.

Hol fas a nesus Dudes.
(hold fast to Jesus – Dudes)

____________________________

Long distance relationships…

Long – meaning far and away. Because you know… some couples could always be not away and yet so far apart still; and I know I had no need to explain myself twice.

Relationship – … … … … …

…relationship.

Today I realized that I hate being in a long distance relationship. Well I don’t hate it, I just hate that it’s long distance. I realized, after two months of complete okayness with this situation, that I am absolutely not okay with the current state of being.

Days pass and I don’t talk too much with Loreena, but then when I do, I find that those times are some of the most bittersweet moments in the history of my entire life. Tender, simple moments – constantly being haunted by the fact that no matter what we talk about, that no matter how much we connect, that no matter how good it feels to hear her voice, the moment the phone hangs up… the moment the email ends… she’s still not there in the physical to sit down with and enjoy a meal with – or even the simple gesture of eye contact… still no physical presence.

Bitter… … … … … … … … … … … … …sweet

Long distance relationship

Long distance relationship with God.

How many of us have them?  (Yes I have to go here – everything revolves around our relationship to God)

I have to write about this, no matter how mad it makes you feel that I even mentioned such a subject. I mean just the phrase “Long distance relationship with God” alone carries so many implications. But I will only explain my experience – anything else would not do.

Long distance. A vast divide. An Expansive Chasm. A world apart.

Sin.

Sin comes in many shapes and sizes. It comes in a variety of flavors too! Some like it spicy, some like sweet, sour, salty, thick ketchup, potato mashed or smashed… everything simply to say that I realize more and more that I hate sinning hate sinning, and how capable I am of it.

The other day in fact I caught myself lying three times! And I followed through with those lies. I stayed true to them. It was about whether I had made phone calls or not – I didn’t make them. But I said I did! It felt just like denying Jesus. Three times… three times I made an effort and succeeded in sinning. By the third time I broke down in my heart; knowing that I had sinned. I had to consciously repent.

But here’s the thing.

(There’s a always a thing – a point to be made – a problem to be addressed)

I never wanted to admit it, but I have been in a long distance relationship with God too! No wonder I prayed all those days and never felt him near. No wonder that every conversation I had was so bittersweet it killed me. I made connections with God, but never physically – well, as physical as you can get with God – spent time with him. I wasn’t searching for the will of God in my life or the plan of God for my life or for inspiration from God to feel alive again, I was longing for his presence in my life. I longed to feel him close, holding me, simply being there with me. Isn’t that what’s so great about being in a romantic relationship?

Romantic relationships offer two very solid elements that are not only pleasant but necessary in life. One is emotional, cognitive commitment, the mental decision to love and to be with that person. The other is the physical connection that takes place – the hugs, the kisses, the providence, protecting – all those things that flow from having the emotional/spiritual connection. I bid to you that it is the same with God.

I’ve learned a few things in my years. I’m not old, I’m still inexperienced, but I can say with confidence that just because I make a connection with a person does not mean that they are to be my soul mate, or that I’m supposed to establish a physical relationship with them also.

This happened a lot in college.

There were soooooo many girls there it was ridiculous. I was making connections on a daily basis. Connections that I thought were like, “Wow – let’s start dating immediately”. Up until then the only friends I had were from church. And the secular friends I did have, our tie was because of Music. And music for me was always associated with God and worshipping Him. So to me, I felt love from God… but so many girls? Having good personalities, attractive, good head on their shoulders PLUS they loved Jesus?! – What was I supposed to think?

I established many connections. None of them ever came to fruition as far as dating. And I’m way glad now because God has provided the perfect person for me. But then, it was not so easy to see. Sure I was friends with a lot of people, but that desire to establish the physical closeness of dating was always in the back of my mind. Praise God for a busy schedule and the constant reminder that college would be over one day and I would be heading back to Salinas or San Jose. God had a way of reminding me that I cannot fully explain.

Emotional/Spiritual Connection is not a basis for physical/dating relationship.

Maybe that’s why it seems that more and more in the world are becoming “confused”. They are confused because they have had so much trouble making connections, or never had a genuine one, that the moment they do establish a connection on an emotional/spiritual level, they think “Wow! I’ve never felt this before! It feels so good! I feel SoOoOo complete!” – And the next thing you know they are in a relationship everyone can see is totally unhealthy, or even same sex relationship, and worse it often leads to divorce and people being torn apart.***

All because they didn’t have a little wisdom to differentiate between a genuine connection and a genuine basis for relationship.

Back to my topic.

We are aware of God. We even have His words to Follow. Having his words and seeing His actions, however, don’t seem to be enough to breathe life into your dead, dry bones.

I am learning to value the presence of God.

This is a phrase that I’ve heard a bunch of times in the past few years. “Value the presence of God”. And I hated it! I didn’t want to listen to that cliché garbage that is such annoying jargon – especially since I knew it was something I needed to do. I always associated the presence of God with getting all crazy and being very charismatic during church – which I am finding out is not necessarily the case. Simply spending time with God has been what I’ve been looking for. Yes, I want God to speak to me, I want to hear his voice and read his words… but what I’ve really wanted all this time is to know, to feel and know, that He is with me. That when I get down to pray, or am just walking on the road, He is really there with me.

This isn’t just a cognitive exercise to remind you that God is always with us, this the assurance, the physical part of a relationship. That’s what makes the romantic relationship so special. The connection goes deeper than just talking and getting to know a person really well. And that’s what valuing the presence of God is like, it’s a relationship that is closer than just knowing or getting to know a person. It’s the physical presence of someone you love that brings into a deeper relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, the words and communication matter just as much, if not more! They form a foundation for the relationship, but it’s the being there, the company, the presence of the person that makes all the difference.

Long Distance Relationship.

They are not good. Maybe for a short time, but to try and have a real relationship with a person… no.
I am assured that I will get to spend the rest of my life with Loreena, and I have been far from God for a long time, truly though, my time here is bringing me back to life and back to him.

_______________________

Here comes the time when I challenge you in something. It’s like an alter call, or a response time at the end of a preaching.
Be far away from God no more!
Why do you torture yourself and let yourself believe that you are close to God when you are no where near him?! Don’t just spend your time reading and thinking of God – actually spend time with Him.

But how do I do that? you might be asking.

I had to let go of every thought and logic and simply ask God to come. To forget about every theology class, to forget about everything that I thought I knew about the presence of God, and come – humble myself, admit my wrong, admit that I’m far, and that I want Him near.

It’s like being saved all over again. Or maybe it’s just being saved. I know for sure, though, it is as David expressed, “Restore to me the JOY of my Salvation!“. (Psalm 51)

***Now, I’m an inspired idealist. I’m inspired often to write and think of the things I do, so if anyone wants to do a particular study on this, and use my ideas as a basis for your hypothesis – have some class and give credit where it’s due – First off ME – Cause i acted and wrote this out. Second, whether you believe in him or not, God – I would have killed myself three times already if i had no inspiration for life and inquiry from Him.